The Looming Group Home

After Noah threw me to the ground and broke my hip two years ago, some folks felt he was too dangerous for us to have at home.  Look into a group home, they said.  I did some research, talked to many families whose "kids" are already in group homes, and went to see one in my community.

Of paramount importance is that Marc and I are older parents, I'm almost 57 and he's 67.  For how much longer can we continue to care for a high-maintenance young adult, and eventually not a young adult any more, in our home?

Bottom line is, just about every family I spoke to, said their kid is doing better since (s)he moved out.  But only one said that living in the group home, is like living in their own home.  This is the crux of the matter.

Noah loves his home.  He loves his room, with his computer and his TV and his U-Verse and VCR and Wii and DVD player, but more than that, he loves to be home with his family.  He is always happiest when we are all here sitting around together.  Even if he chooses not to join us, he likes knowing we are all here.

When I come home, generally I am greeted with:  "Mom, where have you been? I missed you!" or "Mom...I love you to pieces."  

I'm not thinking that such a person will happily pack his bags, or watch his bags being packed, and move into a house with strangers.

Ah, but then there's the dark side.  Noah has an evil twin, who stood over me just now and spit at me  because I told him No.  This time, the No was because he wants to go back to the day camp at JCC.  He attended JCC summer camp for maybe ten years.  He enjoyed going every day, but he was generally a behavior problem there, and when he grew over 6' tall and weighed over 200 lbs, and became aggressive, to counselors as well as other campers, they declined to take him back two years ago.  Frequently he talks about signing him back up, but when we tell him JCC won't take him back, he gets angry.  And spits.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without the constant friction of living with autism.  What would it be like not to be woken up every day at 5 am by the blasting voice memos from Noah's computer?  Or having to always make sure I have someone to watch him when I go to work or to the supermarket, since he can't be home alone?  Not to mention constantly de-escalating his occasional but regular violent episodes before someone gets hurt, or hurt again?


Noah would need to go into a behavioral group home, with  much smaller staff-to-resident ratio, and a much "barer" home, so that aggression against property would be minimal.  Chances are the other residents would be lower-functioning, meaning his social interactions may be limited.  This is a big negative, as my boy is very, very social.  Unfortunately, he's also very behavioral.

So, the search for a suitable group home continues.  I don't want to wait until we're under the gun and we have to move him out..but I'm not sure either Noah or I is ready yet.